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2012 Movies... So far...

So last year I documented, rated and somewhat "reviewed" all the movies I watched. This year I'm doing again but with an exciting new element - 70% less gusto! So here's all the movies I've watched so far this year.

Attack the Block - 5/5 - Loved it. Clearly... the 5 out of 5 kinda alludes to that. It's an early nominee for "Best Movie Quote" with - "I'm shitting myself innit, but at the same time this is sick"

The girl who kicked the hornets nest - 2.5/5 - I just had to google the name as I had only written down "Girl who douched hornets"... The steady decline since the first continued here.

The Change Up - 4/5 - Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds... Doneson!

Horrible Bosses - 3.5/5 - That yelling annoying guy I don't like from "Always Sunny..." was less annoying. Jennifer Anniston, an early nominee for this year's "Hot as Shit" award.

Cowboys and Aliens - 2.5/5 - Definitely a nominee for the "Against my better judgement" award. But it wasn't as horrendous as I'd thought it'd be.

Catch 44 - 0/5 - Bruce Willis is just phoning shit in now, right?! Fuck this $3 movie it's $14 ass.

Conan - 2.5/5 - It was a dude with a sword hitting shit. It's like I ordered a sandwich and was disappointed to only receive a sandwich.

Columbiana - 4/5 - Columbiana-gonna get me some of dat Zoe Saldana. Yep, joke totally landed.

Crazy Stupid Love - 5/5 - I was expecting a solid 3/5 for this movie... Surprised how much I loved it. Emma Stone, I love your weird head!

Safe House - 5/5 - Fuck Jason Bateman, DENZEL and Ryan Reynolds... Doneson!

Home - 3/5 - Mind blown. More things recycled.

Contagion - 3/5 - It should probably be a 5/5 but Jude Law instantly prohibits any movie scoring over 3. Kate Winslet still looms large in my heart. Rose 4 Life!

Black Dynamite - 3/5 - Drunkenly making fun of and laughing at this movie with friends is how to watch this.

In Time - 3.5/5 - JT, your Mum was pretty hot.

Drive - 4/5 - The trailer gets a 5/5. Did Bryan Cranston only have one leg...? I remember something gimpy about his leg? Not cool gimp like Gimp...  gimp gimp. Is that non PC, gimp? I can't keep up. Bung leg. Not sure how this is relevant... but I'm sure he was limping.

Greenzone - 3/5 - Matt Damon running around with a gun and yelling. Win.

Air I Breath - 1/5 -  This was a fairly monstrous piece of cat poo. Surprisingly, Brendan Fraser wasn't the worst part. But he definitely didn't help matters. Wasn't there a time when Kevin Bacon was in good movies?

Grif the Invisible - 0/5 - Another nominee for "Against my better judgement" award. Fuckin' shit, this movie PISSED ME OFF!!!!! I've said it before, many many times before... I want to like Australian movies. Because I want to MAKE an Australian movie. But the fucking SHIT that often passes as a movie from the Australian movie industry is fucking appalling!!!! There was NOTHING redeeming about this movie. The acting was terrible, the story was nonsensical and stupid, and the dialogue was sooooo shit.... RRRAAAAGAGGHGGGH!HHHH!H!G!GHG!

Win Win - 4/5 - Ahhh, that's better. A return to well written story telling.

We need to talk about Kevin - 0/5 - NO WE DON'T, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CAREER IN FILM!!!!!! FUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!! What begins as an intriguing movie that, despite being somewhat predictable, keeps you gripped for the first 30 minutes, then just begins to beat the same fucking points over and over again THE WHOLE TIME. *SPOILER* Her kid has issues. Early on she takes him to a psychiatrist who doesn't see a problem. Then there's 17ish years of the kid being a prick to her... At the start we feel sorry for her. Then... if you're a logical/rational person... you start thinking "BITCH, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT RATHER JUST MOANING!!!!!" Yeah, the kid was fucked up... but, at least in the movie - I haven't read the book, the Mum was moooore fucked by just sitting idly by.

"But if you've read the book...." NO!!! This is a movie, it's it's own thing. And as that thing - it failed. Ya know, in my amazing opinion as a guy that watches movies....

Can we get a decent Win Win type movie in this bitch to make me feel good again... let's see....

Three Muskateers - 0/5 - AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Couldn't hack the "Disney" of it all... Way too Disney... Turned it off 30 mins in.

Limitless - 3/5 - YEAAAHH!! Bradley Cooper saves the day. Pretty rockin' flick about how cool drugs are haha... Let's keep the good times rollin'...

Jack and Jill - 0/5 - What. The. FUCK!!! Alright, screw all the other nominees... WINNER of the "Against my better judgement" award. Sometimes I let the lady pick one. Sometimes she picks horribly. When did Adam Sandler become synonymous with shit. He CAN be good, nay GREAT in stuff. Punch Drunk Love, Funny People, Reign Over Me. But HIS movies... the Happy Madison movies... are now FUCKED! Happy Gilmore was amazing. I even didn't mind Little Nicky. After Click I think something happened. Jack and Jill felt like comedy for dumb people.

Says this crazy smart guy. Alright, next one for sure...

Melancholia - 0/5 - Shoot me now. The first 6 minutes was the most self indulgent "hey I've got a good camera" bullshit EVER. It was like a credit sequence with no credits. I fast forwarded the remaining 2 and half minutes of the non-movie movie. Then I was welcomed open arms into a pile of horse dung.

It's totally weird watching a NON alien movie that you think IS an alien movie. A member of Fanboy Radio called it the "Best Alien Movie of the Year"... Jokes on me. It was just the stilted and nonsensical script and therefore performances that made it seem like "holy shit, they're ALL aliens aren't they".

It's a shame, because the premise was an amazing one. The movie felt like someone trying to make a piece of "art"... and in doing so made a piece of "shit".

PS... An amazing looking Kirsten Dunst teases a sweet cleavage in the first half of the movie. A fucked up and gross Kirsten Dunst awkwardly shows you her boobs in the second half.

Mission Impossible 3 - 3.5/5 - Well I definitely lose all cred with the arty types, hating on an arty Dunst and diggin' on a popcorn Cruise. But Simon Pegg MAKES this movie. And Tom Cruise keeps the Cruise at more of a walking pace.

Incredible Hulk - 5/5 - Just as great on the umpteenth watch. Hulk Smash! Little did I know...

Avengers - 5/5 - I was born to see this movie. Joss Whedon, writer director of my favorite movie of all time Serenity tackles some of my favorite characters of all time. Freakin' amazing!

Avengers - 10/5 - Not a typo. I watched it twice. It was even better the second time. In fact, it was a damn near perfect movie. I love EVERY DAMN SECOND of it. This session was 3D too... Which definitely didn't suck. In fact, it was awesome! I HATE 3D. I think it's stupid and wrecks good movies... But damnit, it managed to enhance Avengers. It took an already amazing cake and put some fuckin sweet icing on it. The Blu-Ray can not come out fast enough. Avengers 2, cannot come out fast enough.

Well... look at that... I managed some gusto after all.

1 comment:

  1. For starters this was fun to read.

    You had some great choices in there like Attack The Block, Win Win and (of course) The Avengers.

    I loved your Kirsten Dunst comment... Made me laugh even though i havent seen the movie.