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I'm still Alive

I just saw Pearl Jam Twenty. And it was amazing. I'm not exactly surprised that I'm so weirdly moved and emotional... It put so much in perspective, yet at the same time brought many of my demons to the forefront.

Oooh, dramatic.

I'm so hesitant to truly divulge for fear of sounding something I can't describe. I fear total honesty as I'm not next to the reader to disclaim "I don't think I'm Eddie Vedder"...  I'm all about the disclaim.

I grew up with Pearl Jam. Not like "I used to listen to a band" - I grew up with them. I discovered them via Vs in 1993 and they were the sound track to my life from then till now. For Vitalogy I was at the record store for a special midnight opening the morning of it's release. I bought Binaural during my first date with my future wife as it was it's day of release.

Alongside Nirvana, Pearl Jam are the reason I picked up a guitar. I had tried to learn almost ten years prior but lacked enthusiasm. Pearl Jam inspired me to no end. And continue to do so.

This documentary had me thinking just as much about life, as it did music. The loss this band suffered over the years, and how Alive became a celebration. It really gave me a lot to think about. I'm in a dark place. Have been for a while now, here at least I've made no real secret of it. And while there was a deeper message of "hey look, these guys seemingly have everything you wanted, rock'n'roll, families, and yet shit can still suck occasionally", the biggest message was - I'm still alive.

I think about a friend of mine that passed away. I think about how unfair it is of me to think I have it hard. At least I'm still here. If this is all life is, you do stuff and then you die... Why I am wasting moments.

An amazing conversation was had with my sister on the way home from the PJ20 showing. We were obviously both fairly moved by the doc. Talked turned to how we "understand suicide"... and how that doesn't mean we're about to kill ourselves. But what does it mean when people can't understand it...? Are they lucky or ignorant?

I think the world is full of Athletes and Artists. You don't have to sport or paint to be either and neither is the wrong or the right way. To the Athletes, life is a game. Winning can be as simple as a productive day with a beer at the end of it. To the Artists, life is a movie. Every moment has to be building to something, has to mean something and the ending better be worth the journey.

In this analogy, I think it's the "Artists" who can understand suicide, despair and understand the quest for contentment outside of the 9 to 5, Footy on the weekend - norm.

Again, I ain't proclaiming one side or the other to be "the way"... it's just my view from here.

So I took away some stuff from this documentary about a rock band. But Pearl Jam almost single-handedly represent - music - to me. And music has always been, and hope continues to be, a massive chunk of who I am.

Tomorrow I'm going to get up, listen to some music - and live.

Made this video years backs, playing one my favorite songs of theirs...


  1. I agree Speds... the doco made me sit back & realise that those lads also had stuff to deal with while "growing up"... and they still make me shiver when I hear them play & listen to the stories they tell in their songs! Long live music! Oh, and just for the record... tomorrow, I am also going to get up, listen to music... and live!


  2. Blogs are getting better and better... The positivity of this one is pretty great also. well done mang.