One must embrace. Go with the flow and whatnot. And lately, I've really albeit accidentally, been making with the negative sounding positives. So I'm embracing. I'm going to hack myself to pieces in order to build that shit back up.
Of course the "myself" to which I refer is the one I share here. The "artist". And I use that word as un-pretentiously as possible. Even a terrible, un-paid builder - who builds - is a "builder", right?
I often catch myself lamenting that I'm still here chasing a dream, that I still haven't "made it"... But when I sit down and really examine what I've submitted to those mystical, invisible career-giving fairys... It's a catalogue of wares that ultimately full short. Works of, *ahem* art that while may have served there purpose at the time, don't really represent... or no, more simply - there's nothing there I'm truly proud of barr moments or pages. That I would truly hold up against peer's wares and feel I was going toe to toe.
So, I'm going to rip apart each of the bigger ones... For my own therapy in a way. And then, plot a course as to how to correct it.
In order... first lamb to the slaughter - MightyBoy's "Absense of Motive" - There's a damn spelling mistake in the damn title for starters haha. In a way it's the most honest of the MightyBoy releases. All the songs written specifically for it and such. But... ultimately it's the work of a brand spankin' band still finding their feet. Moments of it I adore... but more as a piece of nostalgia.
Second up... MightyBoy's "Kit and Caboodle". I was still learning this rock'n'roll thing, it was my second "real" time in the studio. It was a lot of fun at the time... But all I hear now is timing issues from a band who had far to much fun with an FX machine.
Then there was a magical era for the band, where everything was clicking, I had finally cemented a coesive set of songs that belonged together and a great line-up of players that, I felt, made us a serious contender. None of which is truly documented. A massive regret of mine.
Third up - MightyBoy's "Sucker Punch". Long bullshit story short - I was naive as hell... Was led astray by people who professed to know better... Artisticly (*cough*) what resulted was a little record of mismatched and recycled songs. Things added and removed in direct opposition to my requests... and just overall a disappointing experience. Which was such a shame.
Next - Movie Screenplay "Darkest Days". Acted out portions of which in film class made me a teacher's pet. Was ambitious of me to attempt a full length feature as my "real" writing project. But successful writer's will profess - "Your first script is gonna suck". I think the script has funny bits, some big moments... and maybe with another draft?? Do I think it represents what I can do - not at all. So I gotta fix that.
Then I "released" a little solo "album" entitled "Slack Jawed". Now, this little record is exactly what it was designed to be. A broke musicians way of documenting a bunch of songs he'd written. It's recorded in my bedroom... and you can hear that. It has it's charms... but is it something I can show to someone as a demostration of me...? Not at all.
Sixth up in front of the firing squad - TV Screenplay "Further Education". I originally wrote this in 2009. And I thought the idea was crazy fresh... and how the hell had no one thought of it before. It was set at TAFE, an adult learning type dealy. What a perfect way to effortlessly introduce a real varied cast of characters tied together by a believable premise.
...then November last year I discovered the awesome TV series - Community. Rendering my "crazy fresh" premise a second rate copy. I think the script still works, could have more "joke" jokes... But it's the closest thing I have to something I'd proudly hold up, shame I was beaten to the punch on that one.
Then there's comic book "Badly Beaten Boy". It's a big tick on the life check list. I've been drawing cartoons and covers to comic books FOREVER. LOOONG before I discovered music making in 1993, looong before I discovered words in 1995... Does it hold up against the industry's big guns - no chance. Does it stand up against some great indie comic creators - not really. I think it's cute, quirky... and a self achievement. Do I think someone's gonna give me big dollars to continue them - ah uh.
So I just spent a bunch of paragraphs dissing myself, to what end? Well... I'm trying to approach things differently to how I normally would... For starters - this - this isn't comfortable for me, to be laying this out as openly as I am... But, I'm hoping, maybe it'll make me more accountable, yeah?
In the end, the purpose this serves... is to correct things. To work harder toward my goals. I think I have a few decent screenplays in me. I think I have at least one great rock'n'roll record in me. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant... because trust me, no one hates me more than me haha. Anyone who creates things must have SOME confidence in their abilities... why else would they be doing it.
So here we are. The goal... is to write... and write... To put together a solid screenplay that I'll proudly hold above my head. And to put together some like minded musicians to enter a studio and lay down a record. A record that's not trying to conform to anything other than being a solid piece of listening.
And then... if years from now I'm still chasing this elusive whatnot... at least, hopefully, I have some solid pieces of dopey art type thingys that I'm through and through proud of.
And maybe, one last ditch attempt at getting ma-fuckers to notice.